The Breeze

December 29,2009

As usual I woke up early for track practice.My sister ended up picking me up and driving me home but of course like a fat ass I am I said let's get food,I'm so hungry.I got a bagel score(: We drove home blasting music while I stuffed my face and I got out of the car in my tights dancing in front of my lawn with the neighbors just staring.My sister grabbed my bag and we went inside.


Things got serious after she closed the door.She told me to shower since I only had an hour.She didn't tell me what was going on.She left me alone..all I heard was the breeze from outside.I took a quick shower and did my hair and make-up.All this time only one thing went through my head..."What's going on?I don't understand."Next thing I knew,she showed up through the front door and asked me if I was ready."Ready for what?" she said "Come on.Let's just go."


We left and there was complete silence in the car.I didn't dare put on my iPod or text anyone what was going on.We pulled up to a florist shop and we walked in.I lifted my head up and smelled the fresh scent the flowers gave off.My sister looked at me and said "Pick a flower" I still didn't understand "A flower for what?" She just stared and said "Just pick your favorite flower and I'll buy it for you" Everything just seemed odd and out of place.She knew my favorite flower...the white rose.Why couldn't she just get it herself?


Anyways I just ignored her of what she was trying to do.I slowly walked to the roses and picked out the white rose.I picked it up and i felt the sturdy stem but the fragile soft petals.I just stared and stared because it just brought awful memories that scarred me for life.I brushed it off and we paid for the rose and left.We kept driving and I was scared of what might come next.We were heading towards the direction of where my grandma was buried.I just felt my heart dropping and pounding in my stomach.Everything was silent but all I heard was the beating of my heart.I could feel the lump forming in my stomach as I was holding the tears back.


It was happening all over again.Why?Why now?I felt like I was finally getting over the fact that my grandma was gone but my sister had to bring her back into my life.I didn't dare look up from the rose fearing we were getting closer and closer to the cemetery.We pulled up and I froze.My sister opened the car door and I felt the cold breeze against the warm tears on my face.I slowly took my seat belt off and walked over with my sister.

I knelt down on the grass having the wind dry my tears,I put the flower down and my sister was holding me close.I said all of these things that I thought I wouldn't say that made my sister cry.Enough was enough I got up and walked away,out of this nightmare and realized it wasn't all that bad visiting the past.But I still can't bear the pain I feel when it's brought up:/

"The past can be hurtful..."

nataliaa_ericaa

Last Night

I could hardly sleep from thinking...thinking about you.The thoughts kept racing in my head wondering if I should chase her or let her leave me.I wasn't sure if I should proceed with caution.If she could explain to me what exactly she wants me to do then maybe I would have the right idea and I wouldn't make her upset all the time.But this time I don't understand why she's pushing me away.I need her to explain,explain everything,explain what she wants,explain what she needs,explain what she's been thinking,explain how she feels,just explain everything.I need to understand what's happening,everything.

I've told you before I really care about you and I never want you to leave my life and how you were my everything.Do you think this is some joke or some lie?Because it's not.What I say is the truth and the truth only.I have no time to lie or play games.Your important to me but you don't realize it,you don't appreciate it.I try and try to make you happy but then one point you just sound miserable.When you do sound like that all I can think is "She's better off without me because all I do is make her upset" but I can't leave you and you know that but if you want me to and you think it will make you better then I'll pack everything we had everything we shared and walk away from this journey we once had.

You might feel better but I won't.I'm hurt by everything and everyone even though I never show it.I don't show the pain I feel,the pain that dwells in my body and makes me sick to my stomach.I've been so weak I can barely crawl on my hands and knees.I can barely cough or laugh without the pain torturing my body.I close myself off from everyone and listen to music and sleep,sleep,sleep all day.I wake up barely,get dressed,and leave this lovely place I call home.I go out to release some of the pain and anger that sits inside of me but all I do is sleep at every one's house and I wake up and leave again.I come home and more family are over and I fake a smile pretending everything is alright and go to my room and fall to the floor gripping my ribs to give them comfort while I cough the pain out and just lay there while my body continuously shakes non-stop.I try to make an effort to get up and lay on my bed but the bed looks higher than usual and when the effort fails I lose all hope and just lay there endlessly ignoring my family calling me from downstairs ignoring the text messages I receive.I just lay there in the dark watching my phone light up deciding whether or not to answer it.I just fall into a heavy sleep.

I go hours and hours of sleep hoping when I wake up everything will be better.But it won't be and I get my hopes to high to only watch them slip away underneath me giving me the pain that still dwells in my body.I just need the comfort I once got from you.I just need someone to hold me close and never let me go saying everything will be ok.But I also want you to explain everything to me of why we can't be the same because it seems you don't want it to.You make me confused and I don't talk to you so I won't be a bother.We can try to make this work or you can just tell me to leave.

"I want to be the one that still hears your heartbeat even if we're miles apart..."

nataliaa_ericaa

My Week

On the half-a-day I had track practice.Yeah I know that blows.I came home and slept for a little while for my body was sore and tense.Then Madison picked me up after her doctor's appointment and the car ride to her house was full of laughter.Madison and I went to Carvel and I got this ice cream with vanilla and chocolate syrup covered on it with brownies sprinkled all over.Madison didn't get any because she doesn't like ice cream....yeah I know she's on crack.We went back to her house and we started wrestling,jumped on top of her mom,then settled down watching boring Christmas movies.Her mom bought us dinner all I got was french fries since I wasn't that hungry.Afterwards I went upstairs while she showered and I changed into my pj's and turned on the tv.Next thing I knew Madison came in her room and I dozed off into a heavy sleep and woke up at 11 flipping out calling my dad to come pick me up.It was a fun day.

Christmas Eve I basically hung out with family all day.I got to talk to my Brother's Wife's family in Columbia.I miss them very much.We opened presents at 12 and ate at 11.I was extremely exhausted.The whole time Jordan was texting me telling me what was going on at her aunt's house which was pretty funny.I was telling her what was going on at my brother's house as well and we were full of laughter.As soon as it was 12 I was the 1st one to text Jordan Merry Christmas and she responded back as well.She asked what I was going to be doing on Christmas and I said nothing that I know of probably staying home. so she invited me over.

Christmas I woke up with my dad kissing me on the forehead that I realized I passed out in the living room couch.It was 10 I think.My dad told me to get ready for he was taking me and my mom out for breakfast.I was so delighted I got up and got ready in a blink of an eye.We went to IHOP and i ate too many pancakes.I didn't arrive home until 12.I texted Jordan saying Are you sure it's ok for me to come over?I don't want to interfere with your family plans. She said I already asked.You can come over and my mom will be gladly to bring you home(: I went back home and changed and told my parents I was leaving.I went to Jordan's House and her brother Bobby answered saying Nata-lia with a smile on his face.Walked to Jordan's room,she was sleeping.I screamed at her because she watched the movie UP without me because we planned to watch it together.She restarted the movie.So we watched the movie UP&Finding Nemo.Ate dinner.Watched family home videos it was cute.Before I left I ate cookies and went back home.

Saturday I woke up early for track practice.Fell jumping over the hurdles.Landed on my knees and arm.Fucked it up bad but like I care:p Came back home,ate,plopped on my bed and slept until 3.Threw my track uniform in the wash.Got ready and hung out with my mom.Try to sleep,kept turning on my bed because my arm was messed up and uncomfortable.Went to bed.

Sunday woke up at 5 in the morning to get ready slowly,extremely sore.Left at 6:30 for the bus.Went to the track meet.It pissed me off.Whole family came to support me.Went to Morgan's House after.Before I left her house I hung out with her brother Austin and His friend Gavin.Austin is going to be a heart breaker when he gets older lmfaoo.Anyways it was a waist of time.I basically slept he whole time and went back home to sleep some more.

"It's the things you do that people remember you by..."

nataliaa_ericaa

Let's Start This Off

So it's been awhile since the last time I blogged.Alot has happened.First is first.Yes,indeed my grandfather is back in the hospital.I really don't like talking about it but where else can I just put all my emotions.I'm always tense and get really moody all the time.I wear my religious bracelet and every time I look at it I just think of him and hope he gets better but I just don't have that much hope as I did before but I try to stay positive.But how can I when almost every person gives me shit or gets mad at me and flips out because my ex-boyfriend came into my life.It doesn't mean I'm with him it just simply means were friends and it's not like I'm hooking up with him.Ignoring me just leads me to more anger.Whatever do what you want.

My sister came over and I haven't seen her in a week.We blasted music and chilled.When my parents came home from work I gave them the big news.I looked at my dad and said "Daddy,I'm running in the varsity meet Sunday." The look my father had in his face just made me smile big.My sister attacked me with hugs and kisses saying congrats over and over.My dad gave me hug kissed me on the top of my head and said "I'm proud of you sweetie."As for my mom she started calling all the family members and get the whole family out to support me.

School wise.I miss just talking and smiling to my best friends.But I just feel like there's so much tension for no reason.Hopefully it will get by.

Christmas?I have no idea what I'm doing.I'm completely clueless.But it's always the same every year.What will I even do this year with my grandpa in the hospital.He has no one to spend it with:/ plus me and my sister are going to go to my grandma's grave and put flowers there.

Relationship wise?Who knows what's going to happen anymore.I recently just got put down to the curb and I don't want to get up to quickly or I'll get dizzy.When I feel down I just put music on and lay down and relax.I've been happy lately but also confused.I simply don't know what to do anymore.Just hang out with my friends and go party with the guys and just live my life like it should be.

"Waiting Patiently for a smile to appear..."

nataliaa_ericaa

A Month Worth The Wait

all this time i thought you didn't want to talk and then realized you got your phone taken away.i miss the way you talked to me and waiting for a month made me realize it was worth the wait. We talked endless hour of how much we wanted to see eachother.

"nothinnggg.boredd.i miss you!"

"i miss you alott tooo:/"

"I haven't talked to you in like a month:0"

" i know i was upset because i thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore:/"

"noooo.i always wanna talk to you.i gott my phone takenn away:/"

"same.I'm just laying down on the couch watching t.v. with my foot in the air(:"

"haha(= that's cutee.im laying downn tooo& watching t.v"

"haha we were meant to be(:"

"hmmmmm only if we wereeee togetherrr(="

"ughhh that be amazing babygirl(:"

"lol i knoww"

lol we kept going back and forth arguing saying yeah i know,no you don't.

"how do you know"

"uhm...because i can(:"

"lol yourr soo cute"

"no you are.wait no your not.your beautiful(:"

then we kept going back and forth arguing who was prettier(:

"ehhh.i'm in need of a massage"

"awhhh wannnt me to do itt for youu?"

"i think you should(:"

"haha i will<3">
"you can call me anytime(: and hopefully one of these days my dad can drive to southriver just so i can see you and be with you all day"

"greuybf i wish you could sleepover:/ i would hold you so close to me and i'll be smilinggg non-stoppp."

"don't worry babygirl.i'll be there one of these days with you(:"

"good.i really hope soooo.i'd be really happy just to spend the day with you"

"Why do you always bring up the pasttt?"


nataliaa_ericaa

Memories Always Come Back

"bare with me, i look like crap"
"nahh.it's not even possible.you're always pretty(:"
"lmfaoo i wish"
"you don't have to wish.it already happened it(:<3"




" i love you.i just do.it's unexplainable.everything you say to me makes me like extremely happy.your too perfect for words.your amazingly gorgeous<3"



"cause i liked you and i messed up my chance to get with you"




"haha your so adorable natalia(: I got sooo pissed at my mom when i found out she threw away the notes you gave me.I don't think I've ever been so mad in my life before.They m,eant so much to me.I forgave her and everything but i used to read them every once in awhile right before i went to bed so i could have good things and everything in my mind before i went to bed"

"well, i still have the note you gave me because it means so much to me"

"yay(: it took me forever because i had so much to say and I rewrote it # times so i could write as neatly as I could..I loved all the letters you gave me, everytime I read them last year, it would always put a smile on my face no matter what. By the way I forgot to tell you how cute you looked today."

"why thank you, but i don't think i did"

"Well I def think you are, and if i asked any other guy they would say your cute too(:"

"ehh i don't think so"

"I don't know why you think that because you are.Your really beautiful natalia.I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if i was with you.I still miss everything we had."

"like what?"

"i miss kissing you, i miss holding your hand, i misss hugging you the way i did, i miss grabbing you around the waist and giving you kisses on your cheek from behind and everything else i did"




"Memories always come back to capture the moment we shared.."

nataliaa_ericaa

Friday,November 4

"Massage my back"

I never realized how tense my body was until sylvia was massaging it.Everyone looked at me and asked me what was wrong.I stared at everyone and said nothing.But to be honest, I'm missing something.Something that was a part of me but seemed to drift away.I just put my head on my lap while Sylvia was massaging my back singing in polish.She seems to take my troubles away.She could sense something was wrong by my body language.Of course,when everyone leaves we had a deep conversation.I mean most of the time i kept my mouth shut about everything but for once I just spilt my guts out.I wanted to cry but I was holding it back because I didn't want to cry right then and there.I waited until Chrissy dropped me off home.

Monday,November 7
"Omg, I was reading some of the comments from when we were going out.I don't think I couldn't stop smiling last night.I saw the one that you left me on our 2nd month,the one that was a page long and I think I was about to cry no joke.Then I read the one that you were like I'll love you forever and ever and I'll never hurt you no matter what and that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me.I seriously couldn't stop smiling last night(: you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I can honestly say you were the best girlfriend I ever had.I look at our dog tag and listen to our song every night when I'm not busy.If i had another chance, I wouldn't make the same mistakes that I made in the past"

"What broke us up?'

"I don't know.I felt like it was my fault.I'm sorry for all the fights I started with you in the past"

We broke up but never really understood why.He blames the whole thing on him but I said it's OK.We both don't know the reason,we simply just moved on.Now he's back...

"Things happen for a reason.You can't change the past..."

nataliaa_ericaa

I think I've been falling...

I wish it was easy to open up and tell people how you really feel.But once again,I can't.I don't know why.I can't explain it.I'm not scared,or maybe I'm afraid of the outcomes or the reactions of others.

Lately,I've been doing a lot to get things off my mind.I feel like if i don't do anything soon,I'd just be curled up in my room crying.Ugh,Can't think about how close he is to his own death.

Anyways,me doing a lot.When don't I do a lot?Mostly been hanging out with friends and staying after school for Powder Puff.A lot has happen.You get those texts that put a smile on your face and wish you could be with the person right now.We've been hanging out a lot.

"Well you're a very cute girl.Looks and personality wise"

"It would make me unexplainable happy to spend the night with you"

Sometimes,I wish everything in life could be this simple.Cute things,no drama,no tears.Everything good.Now,I laugh 24/7.I smile 24/7.I haven't been like this for awhile.I was dragged down to a dark hole where I felt everything is crashing down on me.

"you smell like life"

"How does that smell like?"

"Everything wonderful(:"

I lay my head on my pillow,tired, but with a smile on my face.There are nights when everything is peaceful and there are nights when I wake up screaming and crying.I see her in my dreams, but she's not in this world anymore.4 years went by and I still see her.I'd look at my phone to come myself down and see if i have text messages from anyone.

"Your still way to cute and amazing for life(: There's nothing to prove.Your just a very beautiful, sweet girl with a bright smile and a cute little voice.You should come over and nap with me and stuffs:p"

I wish I could.I'd feel safe and nothing could go wrong.My nightmares would go away because you protect me and hold me close to you.So close,I can hear your heartbeat.You stroke my back until I fall asleep and I feel safe.

Safe...like nothing can go wrong.

nataliaa_ericaa

Your feelings...What about mine?

Do you realize how many people I help through out the day? Do you know how stressed out I am with family? No, you don't.I'm trying to get my life back on track and make sure no one brings me down.But you always do.You always hurt me.You treat our friendship like shit and for once I stuck up for myself.Your so annoying grow up and realize your mistakes instead of me pointing them out every 5 minutes.

Hurt the people you love the most and see where they will be in your future.Oh wait...they won't be in your future.You say you love her but your just lying through your teeth.Want me to beat the shi*t out of her? No, please don't touch her.Fine I'll listen to you but tell her she's really fuc*ing lucky.The next time I see you don't even look my way.Walk right past me like we never knew each other.

I give you advice,I always help you, and I always stayed with you and never left you.You take it for granted.Well I'm going to take it back because I'm obviously tired of your sh*t.Come back to me when you grow up and realize what you've done.Don't go around telling people your depressed because you obviously don't know how you make us feel.

nataliaa_ericaa

Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes...true line.

What if the person constantly makes mistakes?Do you know how annoying it is to help the person back up?I'm fed up with people's shit.I've always forgave people who hurt me the most.And what do I get out of it?I just get hurt again.Seriously if you say your going to fucking change then do it already instead of saying it.You just keep lying to my face.

Like,I don't understand.How could one person hurt you so bad when all you done was be there for them.All you done was lend your shoulder when they cried or messed up or make a MISTAKE.This always happen to me though.I open up and the next thing I know,I just get hurt in the end.No matter what or who it is.Every person that's ever walked into my life hurt me in one way or another.Well,There's at least two people who haven't.They probably would never because they are both really nice.One is 15 my age and the other is 17.Mad chill.I love them.Well,there's more people who haven't hurt me but I'm talking about my best friends for now.

Anyways,I never had good luck with people.People always twist up my words and cause drama.Alright.Twist my words up but I know the truth and if you don't believe me OK.I hate it when people lie to me.I don't hate it.I despise it ALOT.If you did something to hurt me don't lie to me just tell me the truth and we can work it out.I may get mad but it will only be for a short period of time.I rather know the truth then being lied to.

People make mistakes.So do I.It's part of life.

nataliaa_ericaa

Alot On My Plate

Food?No,Thank You.Family?Sorta.Friends?Yes.Schoolwork?Def.

Food,I get that everyday...and it's yummy in my tummy<----gay line

Family...The 2 main people that concern me is my brother and my grandpa.I haven't seen or heard from my brother in a long time.He travels everyday and hardly has time for family anymore.Alright...but I still miss him and love him.No feelings lost.My grandpa,he's just getting worse with each passing day...feelings?miserable when thought about.

Friends?They keep my spirits up.Without them...I'd be upset 100% all the time.They always put a smile on my face no matter what.I love it.I can always count on them.

Schoolwork?I'm trying so hard to get all of my assignments ahead of time and keeping my grades up.I do extra credit all the time...me extra credit?That never happens...but you got to do what you got to do.

Message...Life ain't so bad right now,well at least not yet...

nataliaa_ericaa

This Pisses Me Off

Cheaters.If your taken,it's for a reason.If things aren't working out in your relationship,you work it out,don't fucking cheat on the person.It just shows how much you care about the relationship.You don't realize how much you hurt the person your with.Your even lucky if the person stays with you.The only reason why the person would stay with you is because they love you.How would you feel?That's fucking low to go cheat on someone.It really is.Your hurt my fucking best friend and she's with you.Your lucky I don't go to your house and beat the shit out of you.Your lucky I don't treat you like shit and never talk to you again.It hurts you when I don't talk to you but you deserve it.She didn't do anything to deserve that.Really?She didn't and you know it.Your lucky she's even with you.If it was me...your ass would have been dumped.Your lucky she loves you...you really are.She treats you so good and you really had the nerve to cheat on her.Alright.I see how it is.You go around telling people she's the best thing that has ever happened in your life and here you are and you hurt her.She cries for you every night and you did this to her.She doesn't even do anything towards you.You really don't deserve her.You don't even deserve to be with anyone.Out of everyone I wouldn't expect this from you...out of everyone.It hurts me as much as it hurts her.I'm shocked.I won't even look at you the same anymore knowing you hurt her...knowing you cheated on her.You've changed so much and I don't want anything to do with it until your you again and not the person that changed.Your not the same person I met in July.Your different and I hate it.You only care about yourself and not the people around you.You hurt her...you hurt her.That's fucked up...That's really low:/

nataliaa_ericaa

On Mischief Night,An Angel Was Near

Alright.Mischief Night.I Didn't do what every other kid does.I don't throw eggs on people's house or TP their cars either.It's just a sign of disrespect or just plain fun.It's not that bad.You get fun out of it.Anyways I went to the mall with my friend Sylvia and Katie.I saw everyone.It was crazy.Anyway I was outside and Sylvia is jamming to my iPod and wearing my varsity jacket.Next thing I know,Cinthia is hauling her ass away from me because she took something that was mine.I'm sprinting my ass and this tiny little girl was sprinting her ass away from me.We were running in the mall parking lot and she jumped over the concrete curb where the cars park.I didn't see it.I busted my ass.Now when I say I busted my ass,I don't mean oh let's laugh because I fell.I mean oh shit are you OK?Cinthia thought I busted my face on the concrete and my teeth were knocked out.My face was so close to the concrete that my upper lip touched it.I got up and I'm bleeding everywhere.My pants ripped and I have cuts all along side of my arm.So let me skip a few parts...Natalie comes over and lifts up my pants to see my knee.I have this huge cut on me and I flipped out.Natalie's mom is going to sew my pants...anyway I kept saying why?why me?God is punishing me.I thought twice what I said.No,He wasn't punishing me.He's giving me a sign.If He was punishing me...He would have busted my face on the concrete and made me get stitches.Well,I came home and I kept replaying it in my head and thanking God He didn't bust my face open...I was in pain from all the cuts.I had to hide them from my parents or they would have flipped.So I just kept thinking to myself...and only one thought popped into my head.Grandma.She was there...protecting me...saving me from the pain and getting stitches...she broke my fall.It was a miracle.If it was anyone else they would have busted there face open and gotten stitches...but I believe I still have bad luck...I'm convinced.

nataliaa_ericaa

Diary Entry

Alright.I type here like everyday probably more than once.As you may know or not but my grandma died when I was in 6th grade.I guess I'm not over that fact.I look at her picture everyday when I wake up in the morning since her picture is on my wall.I remember when it all happened and the memory never goes away.It's a bad memory that sits on my shoulder.The hospital,the call,the visit,the tears,the family,the funeral,the burial.Ugh the burial,the part where I had to say goodbye forever throwing my white rose in the pile of red roses.Tears streaming down,me on my knees,my brother and sister both having one of my shoulder in each hand crying,whispering.Together we couldn't bear the pain.We kept to ourselves and didn't talk to anyone.My family would just hold me.They knew.They knew how I felt.I cried myself to sleep every night.She was gone,gone,gone.Gone out of my life,Gone from the pain,Away from me FOREVER.But she was never gone from my heart.She was never gone from the memories I had with her.Now I was young when I lost her.I was like 12 years old.That's young.Your probably thinking you were 12,it's not like you had any memories with her.No.My family is different.We are so close we visit our grandparents every week.She was amazing.She was beautiful.Her skin was perfect.She'd take care of me more than anyone ever did.I lived with her until i had to start school.I was always with her.She was there when I went to the hospital.She was the one that held my hand and told me I would make it even when my own mom thought I wouldn't survive that night.I was the one holding her hand that night,telling her she would make it that day.Even though she couldn't talk because she had a tube in her throat,all she could manage to do was shake her head yes.She believed in herself.When I left I cried hoping she'd survive that night.But she didn't.The memory never goes away.As much as I push it away,it never does.NEVER!It just stays there.The pain never drifts away.What am I to do?I just keep letting it replay in my head...I cry from the horrid image:/ 4 years ago she died.The memory,the pain.It never goes away.All I do is look at my sister and say "I miss her" and walk away from the painful memories.I remember every single detail and it kills me.It will never walk out of my life.NEVER...

nataliaa_ericaa

Where to end?

Where do I begin?My best friend,my partner in crime,my sister,my lover,my girl,whatever you are to me.Well this girl is amazing.Alright.Well the 1st time I met you was in the pizzeria,you my dear, were having problems.I didn't even know you at the time.I just ate my pizza while you were talking to Madison.After you left,I looked at Madison and said awh she's a cutie, i feel bad for her.From that day on,I thought we wouldn't be as close as we are now.I thought wrong.I noticed every time we hung out it'd just be fun.We'd laugh at dumb things,well at least I do.We'd smack each other on the head.We eat food like there's no tomorrow.Every time we were together,we'd just talk about everything and anything.To be honest,you never let me down.You were always there for me.Heck you gave me your shoulder one time to cry on it.I'd have to say my favorite moment,was in the summer.Me and you were walking at night and you just kept saying you'd never leave this friendship and you'll always protect me no matter what.Now the funny memory,was at your house before school started you had a pool party.Your mom was feeding me food and I loved it so much that i rubbed my tummy when she said you want more but I couldn't because my dad was picking me up.We tried to convince him to let me sleep over but that didn't work.Alright now my other favorite memory,Homecoming.I don't need to go into details with that.You were always there and never left my side.Well same here goes for you.You know you can always come to me for anything.Our friendship is here to stay.I don't want anyone getting in between us.I try to make you happy when your upset by being my stupid self.What I'm trying to say, is that I never knew 2 people could have such a close bond in a short amount of time.Your a keeper.Where to end?It will never because we are going to have alot of memories together and it will never fade away.

nataliaa_ericaa

Emotions

You know how I said before it's not bad letting out your emotions...well I never did and probably never will.I keep everything to myself and everything inside.I'm the type of person who will do anything to put a smile on my face then on my own.People constantly tell me this isn't good...I know.I choose not to.It's hard for me to open up to people.I don't know what their reaction might be,or what I'll say,or what may occur.If something bothers me I just take it out when I run,box,play sports,anything aggressive.If I'm upset to the point I need to cry,I'll lock myself in my room and won't associate with anyone.I'll cry alone and it doesn't bother me.Eventually,I'll go into a deep sleep and sometimes regain my energy if not lost.But I always have a smile on my face even when I'm in pain.I don't like it when people pity me or I'll just cry harder inside.It's not good keeping your emotions inside because everything just bottles up and you'll explode...but I never did.I can control myself.I'm every ones diary but no one is my diary.I'm every ones counselor but no one is mine.I'm perfectly fine with that.I'll do anything to make you smile.As for me,I try to get things off my mind different ways.I hate seeing people upset...but it's life.There are going to be good and bad days.You just simply have to push the bad days away and move on...it's life.

nataliaa_ericaa

Suicide

Suicide-is the intentional killing of one's self. Suicide may occur for a number of reasons, including depression, shame, guilt, desperation, physical pain, emotional pressure, anxiety, financial difficulties, or other undesirable situations.

Alright see that.Everyday someone thinks or commits suicide.Half of the times people come to me and talk to me about it.Why?Simple reasons.I prevent them from doing it.I have a friend who just talks about killing herself and do you understand how hard it is for me to lay my head on my pillow at night knowing this girl is thinking about killing herself.I never know if I'm going to see her the next day in school.I cry,but I never tell her.The only thing I can tell her is I Love You and it's hard for her to except it because she's been lied to about love.I tell her she's my best friend and if she ends her life now it wouldn't do any good.I stay strong for her and I'm the only one who can stop her.I think about her and try to be there for her as much as I can.She knows the pain I go through everytime she tells me she wants to end her life.She can tell in my eyes even if I say I'm fine.She knows the pain I bear inside.The only thing I can do is just be there for her and make sure she's ok everyday.It's not so bad telling people how you feel.It's not good hiding your emotions...

nataliaa_ericaa

Grandpa

So, you know how you always have a good day and it's to good to be true.Yeah, well I get those and eventaully I get hit with bad news.My grandpa comes and goes.One day he'll be weak and can hardly talk and next day he'll be fine.In fact, the other day, you could tell me&my sister were tearing up in the car just talking about our past with him.Ugh this man is amazing,I don't understand why God would hurt him like this.The pain,he can't live through it.He's a fighter though.The thing I can't bear is knowing that my grandfather doesn't remember me.Nothing triggers in his mind the moment I'm with him.He'll talk about me not knowing it's really me.My father.Man,he's hurt but doesn't want to show it.I just try to be there for him as much as I can.The thing that sucks is my sister or brother visits my grandpa.So,I have no one talk to about the way I see him because it's too hard for me.My grandpa he's strong but how strong?His life is so interesting.He had to quit school note in 2nd grade just to help his family.My grandpa has no education but he's really smart.He was a chef and he took care of my father and his sister.He had more than 8 kids but only had 2 with him which was my father and my aunt.2nd grade.I can't believe it.I just want him to get better because i love him so much and I don't know what I would do without him in this world.

nataliaa_ericaa