My Hopes Become Diasters

I feel like this whole week has been a lie. Just a lie in my face and I never accepted it. No one ever realizes the pain people put each other through until you've lost the person or witnessed it yourself. Everyone tries to be happy or please other people and tend to hurt the one's they love or supposedly "love". Yeah I put it in quotes because no one tends to know the meaning of it. Actually, I've been witnessing everything and everyone around me. Lately, I feel like everyone just lies to me about how they feel towards me. They say they like me and how beautiful I am and how they want to be with me...but the next day they leave me, they're taken, or really never wanted anything with me. Seriously? Don't fucking lie to my face. I really despise how people can make me happy and seem to disappear the next day forgetting about me. Forgetting everything they ever said. Then they come back after there boyfriend/girlfriend leaves them and me like a retard always takes them back. I hate it when you text me because all that goes through my mind is "wow are you serious? You have some nerve to text me after everything you just did" I tend to tear up a bit but it's whatever. I'm done with it. The next time you say something to me I won't respond. I want people to stop saying I'm beautiful, because I'm not. I want people to stop saying I want to be with you, because you don't. I want people to stop using me, because you want to make another person jealous. I have feelings, but no one seems to care. So don't waste my time and I simply won't waste yours.

This whole week wasn't that bad considering Drew texted me. I can't remember the last time we talked. He made me smile because he knows the right thing to say at the right time and he's the only person I feel safe with. He calls to make sure I'm OK and if I'm not he listens. Just thinking about him makes me want to cry because he lives so far and he only comes to the summer to visit. We always joke around saying we're going to go to the same college and move down there. He always tell me he just wants to go back to the summer and splash each other when we were at his mom's house in the pool. We only spent one day together and he never forgot about me. One day changed everything. Summer breeze, the sunset setting, looking at the sky together, laying down, smiling, being shy, and we kissed. The day he left, yeah I cried because he's my best friend. I couldn't have met another guy like him. We talk about our lives like we've known each other for a long time. We wish alot but it could never happen since he lives 1,000 miles away. We cry when things go bad and we don't have each other. We haven't talked in awhile and I guess that's what I've been missing. Him texting me to make sure I'm OK and he doesn't get jealous when I talk about my exes or people I like. He just wishes I wouldn't get hurt and he wishes he could live down here because he knows he would never hurt me. I just laugh over the phone, the thought of that.

When was the last time we talked Anthony? 8th grade right. Yeah, I miss you to alot. You moved and we haven't talked since but you live in Perth Amboy. We missed out on alot. I really never expected you to get or try to get in contact with me since you broke up with me and never looked in my direction again. But I'm glad. Soon we'll hang out and talk about everything we missed through pizza and a drink at Barnes and Nobles.

My mom has been sick alot. She can barely breathe or walk up the stairs without me holding her up. I've been running around getting her medication, making her soup, and just being there for her. But this could be my worst nightmare hearing this from her "I'm dying." ugh mom please don't say that. I don't want to lose you and you make me cry every time you say that.

Everything is a mystery nowadays

"Break me down slowly...."

nataliaa_ericaa

Screw Ups

Mhmm my life is spiraling in different directions. One day, I can get beat up and never see you again and the next day all seems happy again. Let's see if I can remember this week of my life so far. Tuesday couldn't be more horrible. I got into the biggest fight with my sister and haven't heard from her since. She cursed me out, beat me up, went attacking each other, and left the house crying. I just sat in my room texting Natalie of what happened. To be honest, I was shocked I wasn't in tears because my sister means more to me then life itself. You'd understand everything if I told you ever single detail that we went through together. "Your never did anything for me. You stubborn and been mad shady towards me. I feel like you only love me when I buy you things. Just because you don't want things your way doesn't mean grandma has to pay for it." She said this through tears and in my mind I kept saying "I can't believe you just went there" Yeah she went there. "Why can't Yarei make plans with me? Why is it you? Me and her are the same age and she blows me off and she makes plans with my little sister." She just wouldn't shut up and kept pointing out my flaws. Finally she made the gesture that she wanted to hit me. "What you want to hit me?" "yeah." "Come up the stairs aren't stopping you." She did. Came upstairs slammed me against the wall and cut up my back and hit me right in the jaw and I pushed her and slammed her against the wall and choked her. "Want to hit me again go ahead and try you can barely breathe right now." She pushed me off and and my dad stopped it. She went grabbing my hair and I pulled her down with me and started pounding her in the face but not hard because I can't hit the people I love and mess up her face. I love her to much, I honestly do but she doesn't know. She just got up and left in tears and I stayed in my room texting Natalie.

Wednesday, I had to pretend everything was fine considering the fact it was the day my grandma died 4 years ago and it was Chrissy's birthday. Wednesday was just a blur and I really just went to track and stayed home without talking much to anyone.

Thursday, I went to track, showered and went to Skylar with Danielle and met up with a group of people. It was entertaining. Went back to Danielle's waiting for my dad to come pick me up and I left and slept.

Friday, was a lot. I went to track came home talked on aim with Morgan while sending her pictures of me and Marcos from Jesse's sweet 16 showing her the lighting of it then met up with Sylvia, Katie,& Cinthia. We started out by blasting music in the car which made me happy. Brittany texted me saying what I was doing and I said the mall and she said I want to go to see you so I'm going to try to meet up with you and hang out with you. That never happened. I basically hung out with Sylvia,Katie,Mikey(:, and Christian at some point. I was talking to Christian catching up on old times and we had a good time. We all walked to Exxon gas station and me and Christian was just watching the traffic go by relaxing our selves and tried throwing punches at each others faces while hearing Sylvia,Cinthia and Katie sing loudly. We got cold and started walking to the mall. On the way back, Me and Christian were talking about the WinterBall. "Christian, are you going to the WinterBall?" "No, why are you?" "I want to but I'm not sure yet..." "I'll go if you'll be my date." "Stop playing?" "No, seriously, I'll go if you'll be my date." "Fine." I went back inside the mall and saw Jordan she gave me the best/weirdest hug ever it was funny. She hugged me tight then kept squeezing me every 2 seconds and it felt weird on my neck and laughed afterwards. Saw Danie and Valerie. Then I ran up to Valerie and attacked her with a hug then Morgan asked for a hug. Met a girl named Michelle. Mikey came and hugged me. Went outside with him and Sylvia and Katie. We walked to Votec and chilled in the dugout. We played music and got high. Katie and Mikey and Sylvia tried to jerk and Katie fell and me and Sylvia started laughing non-stop. Mikey said let's have a jerk off. It made us piss ourselves. Went back inside the mall and ate pizza. Everyone seemed pissed. Hung out with Mikey the whole night and went shopping with him. Tried on some pants that I wanted and Michelle was with me and I came out the dressing room and she gasped "Holy shit! You look so ho in those pants. Your so pretty. Please tell me your going to buy them?" Pants were $34. Mikey left and we hugged tightly. He picked me up. Chill dudee haha. Texted Chrissy still high, saying let's burn :p my eyes were heavy but I was hyper at the same time. I wanted her to come see me but realizing the time it was getting late and it was impossible for her and crystal and other people they were picking up to make it to the mall before I left. Hung out with more people and then went to Barnes and Nobel's with Morgan , Valerie, Michelle and Dalia. "Michelle you might as well come out as your gay." "But I'm not I'm straight!" "Sure you are, that's why you were all over Natalia" Me and Valerie just laughed. Michelle was blowing a balloon and I said that's going to pop and it did and me and Valerie stayed together while everyone else ran and pretended we weren't with them when the people that worked in Barnes and nobles were looking for them. Meanwhile Morgan texted me saying seeing the pictures of me made her happy and I was really pretty. I didn't reply. Went home and I got a text from Valerie saying she likes me...oh God...then Valerie texted me again crying because Morgan told her she likes me to....great....i texted Valerie and told her are you mad that she likes me or mad that you can't be with her and she said both. I told her straight up I wouldn't go out with Morgan.

Saturday, I woke up for practice and I felt good. After practice that's when it hit me. I felt like shit. I was in my room started to sweat and felt like i was going to puke. Valerie was texting me and I got annoyed and it lead to a fight because she told me to have fun with Morgan. What's that supposed to mean? Valerie told me that Morgan said we're supposed to hang out. If you want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous don't use me as an excuse. Valerie started flipping out and then told me some stuff I don't want to repeat and it made me really mad and I stopped texting her.

"You can be prettiest thing I've seen or the biggest bitch in the world..."

nataliaa_ericaa

Sisters

January and February are probably my worst months in my life since 4 years ago...

So, me and my sister have been fighting way to much. She was saying all these things over the phone and to my face, basically putting me down. OK. I'm sorry that my 23 year old cousin likes me better than you. I'm sorry she puts things aside to hang out with me and not you. Sorry we get along better than me and you. Sorry we're more like sisters than me and you.Why does it matter if were alike? So what? We have more fun together and spill each other's secrets. You basically have no time for our family anymore.

It's sad how mom understands. She never takes my side in anything. For once in my life, I knew how it felt like to be held by your mom because your hysterical crying over the shit you go through with friends or family. Mom actually feels bad for me. You say so much shit to my face thinking I won't hit you. I've done it before and nothing will stop me again. You know how bad it got and you know how I am. Stop provoking me because frankly I don't think you want to tell anyone you got punched in the face by your little sister again.

You sit there saying 'I love you" well start acting like it. How could you say that? Just because your upset grandma died doesn't mean you put all the shit on me. I don't do that to you. You, you lost everything she gave you. Meanwhile I had to wait years to get what I wanted. All i wanted was a piece of her jewelry. Guess what? I took it all. You lost it all and I took it all.

All you care about is yourself and only you. You don't care about me. You don't care if I'm sick.You don't care if I'm coughing my lungs out. You don't care if I breathe. You don't care if I'm having my fucking attacks on the floor. You push me around and call me names and when mommy and daddy are around that's when you act innocent. Please bitch you ain't fooling no one. Fuck you. Yeah i love you probably more than you deserve.

I dropped everything for your ass. I made sure you were OK after everything we went through. I know your hurt by grandma and so am I but if she saw you right now she wouldn't love you. Want to know how I know? Because she was my mom basically my whole life until she got sick. No one was ever there for me. You guys gave up on me when I was on the hospital bed and no one thought I was going to make it out alive only she did. She offered to take care of me and you guys gave me up like nothing.

No but if I died right now you'd be crying. You wouldn't have a sister anymore. I'm your other half even though your 7 years older me. I don't need to grow up and open my eyes. You do. I give you everything. If you and mom fight who's the one who makes mom forgive you? I do. that's another thing. You treat mom like shit. Yeah she isn't perfect but who are you to treat her like that. Did you know she cried over you the other day in my arms. And today I cried in her arms because of you.

You think everything is a joke now. You don't realize how much you hurt us. Grow up already and be yourself. Your not even cool or anything to anyone anymore. That's why our family wants to see me and not you. I'm sorry I love you but way more than you deserve now.

She died 4 years ago. We all cry over her still because she cared for us. But don't take it out on me and treat me like shit. It's to late to apologize. I'm probably going to ignore you and avoid contact with you until you stop calling me names and being mad because my cousin wants to hang out with me and not you. GROW UP!

"4 years ago...and the pain is just starting...when will it fade?"

nataliaa_ericaa

Starting Over

Let's say I'm giving up but not for the good.I'm giving up and throwing every little thing that came my way and basically broke me down into pieces.I want to just ignore the bad and welcome the good.I want to have a good time,smile,laugh,tease,help,every positive thing out there.



I want to be able to trust and tell people how I feel slowly.I've been betrayed,treated like shit,lied to,cheated on,played,and all the above.But I don't want to reflect on it anymore.I want to move forward and forget every thing bad that happened to me.Yes,I wouldn't mind running away from the problems I face but come on this is real life we're talking about.There are times when I just want to be with my cousin and sleep over her house.She makes me feel loved and like nothing could go wrong when we're together.I want to sleepover and laugh about everything,everyone,and anything.



Let's enjoy life and accept everything that comes your way.Hold your friends hand and laugh.Watch scary movies in the dark.Walk in the morning to clear your head and live life with a smile.Do things you would never do but make sure you won't regret it in the future.Blast music,dance around like an idiot.Bake brownies and eat the whole thing.Hug,Kiss,Cuddle with someone who has always been there and never left your side.Someone true.



I walk around with a smile on my face focusing on the good so the bad wouldn't break me down.I laugh really loud,smile really big,hug really tight,scream people's name,run up to people and attack them with hugs.Hold my hand,grab me around the waist,kiss me,cuddle with me,let's do crazy shit together.It would seriously make my day and def make me smile.Forget the past.



Yeah there will be moments when people will piss me off.Actually the other day my friend Kim saw how pissed off I got and said "Damn Nati G I feel the tension.Your pissed.Calm down calm down.Don't kick her ass." When I get pissed you can tell but I won't show it.But I have to stop because I get mad and want to punch them in the face:p



But for me...I want to enjoy my life and laugh through everything because frankly I put others before me even though they treat me like complete shit and hurt me.Of course anyone could come up to me crying and I'd drop everything to make them smile or laugh again.That's just me.



"Let's start this over..."



nataliaa_ericaa

All From Him

"I was thinking about you and I really miss uss:/"

"Yeah I can't wait either.I have a feeling that it's going to be the best night of my life and that I'll never forget it.I want this night to be perfect for you,for us so I think I'm going to get you something nice.i just think you deserve everything in the world.Yess everything in the whole wide world.Your the prettiest girl on this planet."

"Omg Natalia!I just woke up from the craziest dream ever.It was about you and me, we were walking through that park having a pinic holding hands and kissing and then some how we got on the beach and we were laying on a towel looking at the sunset.It was amazing(:<3 I woke up smiling and everything and I just had to text you and tell you that,but anyways I'm going back to sleep(:"<----3:30 a.m

"Quisiera ser una lagrima tuya, para nacer en tus ojos, vivir en tu cara y morir en tus lavios"

"Te quiero mucho(:"

"No puede vivir sin usted.Usted es hermoso."

"You always know how to make me smile"

"You looked REALLY pretty today:) you look pretty everyday but I guess since I haven't seen you in a long time that you just stood out to me and I was like wow.Just everything looked good on you today:)Remember the song heaven sent that you had on your myspace last year?Well I was listening to it like 20 times last night it was making me cry because I kept thinking about you"

"I was hoping you would.That song remind me of you alot.I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"Why?"

"Because I know I made some mistakes by breaking up with you.Most girls would be like fuck him,he's a dick head but you stuck by my side Natalia.Your notlike most girls, your nice, very pretty (of course), treat the person who wour going out with very well even there treating you like shit, and easy to love by anybody(:"

"Donde voy...?"

nataliaa_ericaa

New Years

Alright New Years Eve,Chrissy came over and we talked until I had to go.Seeing her really made my day because throughout the break I really didn't have time to see my friends since track took the way of that:/ Seeing a friendly face for at least 5 minutes just made me happy. Me like a fuckhead didn't realize there was snow on the ground and I walked outside in the rain being all fancy fancy.Yeah my feet were cold considering I was wearing heels.So it was cold.Chrissy was being loud but when isn't she.We kept smiling,laughing,and hugged tight to each other every 5 seconds.As I said goodbye I walked away but Chrissy wanted another hug and I walked up to her smiled and hugged her tightly non-stop.It really made me happy since I felt like my break was dull and whatnot.I was smiling the whole way to my brother's house.

I went to my brother's and we laughed and brought back memories of everything that happened to us.We ate and played a game of taboo.It entertained us.Text Chrissy 2 minutes before 12 and we started the countdown.12:00 and my whole family just hugged and kissed.I didn't kiss anyone:p Chrissy called me at 12:00 saying happy new years and I was shocked thinking she forgot.After everything my brother,sister,and me were all wrestling and attacking each other like we did when we were younger except my dress ripped and was soaked from the water fight we had inside(buckets of water)

On new years I stayed home since I have no friends or life:p I just didn't get invited over for sure but that's ok.Saturday was the best night of my life.I got in touch with my favorite cousin...we were meant to be sisters no lie.She understands me more than my actual sister and we have been texting non-stop of when were going to hang out and sleep over.There's a big age difference.She's like 23 I think but it doesn't matter.We were laughing non-stop and I got drunk and it went buckwild no details:p

"Let's just have some fun for now..."

nataliaa_ericaa

The Breeze

December 29,2009

As usual I woke up early for track practice.My sister ended up picking me up and driving me home but of course like a fat ass I am I said let's get food,I'm so hungry.I got a bagel score(: We drove home blasting music while I stuffed my face and I got out of the car in my tights dancing in front of my lawn with the neighbors just staring.My sister grabbed my bag and we went inside.


Things got serious after she closed the door.She told me to shower since I only had an hour.She didn't tell me what was going on.She left me alone..all I heard was the breeze from outside.I took a quick shower and did my hair and make-up.All this time only one thing went through my head..."What's going on?I don't understand."Next thing I knew,she showed up through the front door and asked me if I was ready."Ready for what?" she said "Come on.Let's just go."


We left and there was complete silence in the car.I didn't dare put on my iPod or text anyone what was going on.We pulled up to a florist shop and we walked in.I lifted my head up and smelled the fresh scent the flowers gave off.My sister looked at me and said "Pick a flower" I still didn't understand "A flower for what?" She just stared and said "Just pick your favorite flower and I'll buy it for you" Everything just seemed odd and out of place.She knew my favorite flower...the white rose.Why couldn't she just get it herself?


Anyways I just ignored her of what she was trying to do.I slowly walked to the roses and picked out the white rose.I picked it up and i felt the sturdy stem but the fragile soft petals.I just stared and stared because it just brought awful memories that scarred me for life.I brushed it off and we paid for the rose and left.We kept driving and I was scared of what might come next.We were heading towards the direction of where my grandma was buried.I just felt my heart dropping and pounding in my stomach.Everything was silent but all I heard was the beating of my heart.I could feel the lump forming in my stomach as I was holding the tears back.


It was happening all over again.Why?Why now?I felt like I was finally getting over the fact that my grandma was gone but my sister had to bring her back into my life.I didn't dare look up from the rose fearing we were getting closer and closer to the cemetery.We pulled up and I froze.My sister opened the car door and I felt the cold breeze against the warm tears on my face.I slowly took my seat belt off and walked over with my sister.

I knelt down on the grass having the wind dry my tears,I put the flower down and my sister was holding me close.I said all of these things that I thought I wouldn't say that made my sister cry.Enough was enough I got up and walked away,out of this nightmare and realized it wasn't all that bad visiting the past.But I still can't bear the pain I feel when it's brought up:/

"The past can be hurtful..."

nataliaa_ericaa