My Hopes Become Diasters

I feel like this whole week has been a lie. Just a lie in my face and I never accepted it. No one ever realizes the pain people put each other through until you've lost the person or witnessed it yourself. Everyone tries to be happy or please other people and tend to hurt the one's they love or supposedly "love". Yeah I put it in quotes because no one tends to know the meaning of it. Actually, I've been witnessing everything and everyone around me. Lately, I feel like everyone just lies to me about how they feel towards me. They say they like me and how beautiful I am and how they want to be with me...but the next day they leave me, they're taken, or really never wanted anything with me. Seriously? Don't fucking lie to my face. I really despise how people can make me happy and seem to disappear the next day forgetting about me. Forgetting everything they ever said. Then they come back after there boyfriend/girlfriend leaves them and me like a retard always takes them back. I hate it when you text me because all that goes through my mind is "wow are you serious? You have some nerve to text me after everything you just did" I tend to tear up a bit but it's whatever. I'm done with it. The next time you say something to me I won't respond. I want people to stop saying I'm beautiful, because I'm not. I want people to stop saying I want to be with you, because you don't. I want people to stop using me, because you want to make another person jealous. I have feelings, but no one seems to care. So don't waste my time and I simply won't waste yours.

This whole week wasn't that bad considering Drew texted me. I can't remember the last time we talked. He made me smile because he knows the right thing to say at the right time and he's the only person I feel safe with. He calls to make sure I'm OK and if I'm not he listens. Just thinking about him makes me want to cry because he lives so far and he only comes to the summer to visit. We always joke around saying we're going to go to the same college and move down there. He always tell me he just wants to go back to the summer and splash each other when we were at his mom's house in the pool. We only spent one day together and he never forgot about me. One day changed everything. Summer breeze, the sunset setting, looking at the sky together, laying down, smiling, being shy, and we kissed. The day he left, yeah I cried because he's my best friend. I couldn't have met another guy like him. We talk about our lives like we've known each other for a long time. We wish alot but it could never happen since he lives 1,000 miles away. We cry when things go bad and we don't have each other. We haven't talked in awhile and I guess that's what I've been missing. Him texting me to make sure I'm OK and he doesn't get jealous when I talk about my exes or people I like. He just wishes I wouldn't get hurt and he wishes he could live down here because he knows he would never hurt me. I just laugh over the phone, the thought of that.

When was the last time we talked Anthony? 8th grade right. Yeah, I miss you to alot. You moved and we haven't talked since but you live in Perth Amboy. We missed out on alot. I really never expected you to get or try to get in contact with me since you broke up with me and never looked in my direction again. But I'm glad. Soon we'll hang out and talk about everything we missed through pizza and a drink at Barnes and Nobles.

My mom has been sick alot. She can barely breathe or walk up the stairs without me holding her up. I've been running around getting her medication, making her soup, and just being there for her. But this could be my worst nightmare hearing this from her "I'm dying." ugh mom please don't say that. I don't want to lose you and you make me cry every time you say that.

Everything is a mystery nowadays

"Break me down slowly...."

nataliaa_ericaa