December 29,2009
As usual I woke up early for track practice.My sister ended up picking me up and driving me home but of course like a fat ass I am I said let's get food,I'm so hungry.I got a bagel score(: We drove home blasting music while I stuffed my face and I got out of the car in my tights dancing in front of my lawn with the neighbors just staring.My sister grabbed my bag and we went inside.
Things got serious after she closed the door.She told me to shower since I only had an hour.She didn't tell me what was going on.She left me alone..all I heard was the breeze from outside.I took a quick shower and did my hair and make-up.All this time only one thing went through my head..."What's going on?I don't understand."Next thing I knew,she showed up through the front door and asked me if I was ready."Ready for what?" she said "Come on.Let's just go."
We left and there was complete silence in the car.I didn't dare put on my iPod or text anyone what was going on.We pulled up to a florist shop and we walked in.I lifted my head up and smelled the fresh scent the flowers gave off.My sister looked at me and said "Pick a flower" I still didn't understand "A flower for what?" She just stared and said "Just pick your favorite flower and I'll buy it for you" Everything just seemed odd and out of place.She knew my favorite flower...the white rose.Why couldn't she just get it herself?
Anyways I just ignored her of what she was trying to do.I slowly walked to the roses and picked out the white rose.I picked it up and i felt the sturdy stem but the fragile soft petals.I just stared and stared because it just brought awful memories that scarred me for life.I brushed it off and we paid for the rose and left.We kept driving and I was scared of what might come next.We were heading towards the direction of where my grandma was buried.I just felt my heart dropping and pounding in my stomach.Everything was silent but all I heard was the beating of my heart.I could feel the lump forming in my stomach as I was holding the tears back.
It was happening all over again.Why?Why now?I felt like I was finally getting over the fact that my grandma was gone but my sister had to bring her back into my life.I didn't dare look up from the rose fearing we were getting closer and closer to the cemetery.We pulled up and I froze.My sister opened the car door and I felt the cold breeze against the warm tears on my face.I slowly took my seat belt off and walked over with my sister.
I knelt down on the grass having the wind dry my tears,I put the flower down and my sister was holding me close.I said all of these things that I thought I wouldn't say that made my sister cry.Enough was enough I got up and walked away,out of this nightmare and realized it wasn't all that bad visiting the past.But I still can't bear the pain I feel when it's brought up:/
"The past can be hurtful..."
nataliaa_ericaa
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Last Night
I could hardly sleep from thinking...thinking about you.The thoughts kept racing in my head wondering if I should chase her or let her leave me.I wasn't sure if I should proceed with caution.If she could explain to me what exactly she wants me to do then maybe I would have the right idea and I wouldn't make her upset all the time.But this time I don't understand why she's pushing me away.I need her to explain,explain everything,explain what she wants,explain what she needs,explain what she's been thinking,explain how she feels,just explain everything.I need to understand what's happening,everything.
I've told you before I really care about you and I never want you to leave my life and how you were my everything.Do you think this is some joke or some lie?Because it's not.What I say is the truth and the truth only.I have no time to lie or play games.Your important to me but you don't realize it,you don't appreciate it.I try and try to make you happy but then one point you just sound miserable.When you do sound like that all I can think is "She's better off without me because all I do is make her upset" but I can't leave you and you know that but if you want me to and you think it will make you better then I'll pack everything we had everything we shared and walk away from this journey we once had.
You might feel better but I won't.I'm hurt by everything and everyone even though I never show it.I don't show the pain I feel,the pain that dwells in my body and makes me sick to my stomach.I've been so weak I can barely crawl on my hands and knees.I can barely cough or laugh without the pain torturing my body.I close myself off from everyone and listen to music and sleep,sleep,sleep all day.I wake up barely,get dressed,and leave this lovely place I call home.I go out to release some of the pain and anger that sits inside of me but all I do is sleep at every one's house and I wake up and leave again.I come home and more family are over and I fake a smile pretending everything is alright and go to my room and fall to the floor gripping my ribs to give them comfort while I cough the pain out and just lay there while my body continuously shakes non-stop.I try to make an effort to get up and lay on my bed but the bed looks higher than usual and when the effort fails I lose all hope and just lay there endlessly ignoring my family calling me from downstairs ignoring the text messages I receive.I just lay there in the dark watching my phone light up deciding whether or not to answer it.I just fall into a heavy sleep.
I go hours and hours of sleep hoping when I wake up everything will be better.But it won't be and I get my hopes to high to only watch them slip away underneath me giving me the pain that still dwells in my body.I just need the comfort I once got from you.I just need someone to hold me close and never let me go saying everything will be ok.But I also want you to explain everything to me of why we can't be the same because it seems you don't want it to.You make me confused and I don't talk to you so I won't be a bother.We can try to make this work or you can just tell me to leave.
"I want to be the one that still hears your heartbeat even if we're miles apart..."
nataliaa_ericaa
I've told you before I really care about you and I never want you to leave my life and how you were my everything.Do you think this is some joke or some lie?Because it's not.What I say is the truth and the truth only.I have no time to lie or play games.Your important to me but you don't realize it,you don't appreciate it.I try and try to make you happy but then one point you just sound miserable.When you do sound like that all I can think is "She's better off without me because all I do is make her upset" but I can't leave you and you know that but if you want me to and you think it will make you better then I'll pack everything we had everything we shared and walk away from this journey we once had.
You might feel better but I won't.I'm hurt by everything and everyone even though I never show it.I don't show the pain I feel,the pain that dwells in my body and makes me sick to my stomach.I've been so weak I can barely crawl on my hands and knees.I can barely cough or laugh without the pain torturing my body.I close myself off from everyone and listen to music and sleep,sleep,sleep all day.I wake up barely,get dressed,and leave this lovely place I call home.I go out to release some of the pain and anger that sits inside of me but all I do is sleep at every one's house and I wake up and leave again.I come home and more family are over and I fake a smile pretending everything is alright and go to my room and fall to the floor gripping my ribs to give them comfort while I cough the pain out and just lay there while my body continuously shakes non-stop.I try to make an effort to get up and lay on my bed but the bed looks higher than usual and when the effort fails I lose all hope and just lay there endlessly ignoring my family calling me from downstairs ignoring the text messages I receive.I just lay there in the dark watching my phone light up deciding whether or not to answer it.I just fall into a heavy sleep.
I go hours and hours of sleep hoping when I wake up everything will be better.But it won't be and I get my hopes to high to only watch them slip away underneath me giving me the pain that still dwells in my body.I just need the comfort I once got from you.I just need someone to hold me close and never let me go saying everything will be ok.But I also want you to explain everything to me of why we can't be the same because it seems you don't want it to.You make me confused and I don't talk to you so I won't be a bother.We can try to make this work or you can just tell me to leave.
"I want to be the one that still hears your heartbeat even if we're miles apart..."
nataliaa_ericaa
Monday, December 28, 2009
My Week
On the half-a-day I had track practice.Yeah I know that blows.I came home and slept for a little while for my body was sore and tense.Then Madison picked me up after her doctor's appointment and the car ride to her house was full of laughter.Madison and I went to Carvel and I got this ice cream with vanilla and chocolate syrup covered on it with brownies sprinkled all over.Madison didn't get any because she doesn't like ice cream....yeah I know she's on crack.We went back to her house and we started wrestling,jumped on top of her mom,then settled down watching boring Christmas movies.Her mom bought us dinner all I got was french fries since I wasn't that hungry.Afterwards I went upstairs while she showered and I changed into my pj's and turned on the tv.Next thing I knew Madison came in her room and I dozed off into a heavy sleep and woke up at 11 flipping out calling my dad to come pick me up.It was a fun day.
Christmas Eve I basically hung out with family all day.I got to talk to my Brother's Wife's family in Columbia.I miss them very much.We opened presents at 12 and ate at 11.I was extremely exhausted.The whole time Jordan was texting me telling me what was going on at her aunt's house which was pretty funny.I was telling her what was going on at my brother's house as well and we were full of laughter.As soon as it was 12 I was the 1st one to text Jordan Merry Christmas and she responded back as well.She asked what I was going to be doing on Christmas and I said nothing that I know of probably staying home. so she invited me over.
Christmas I woke up with my dad kissing me on the forehead that I realized I passed out in the living room couch.It was 10 I think.My dad told me to get ready for he was taking me and my mom out for breakfast.I was so delighted I got up and got ready in a blink of an eye.We went to IHOP and i ate too many pancakes.I didn't arrive home until 12.I texted Jordan saying Are you sure it's ok for me to come over?I don't want to interfere with your family plans. She said I already asked.You can come over and my mom will be gladly to bring you home(: I went back home and changed and told my parents I was leaving.I went to Jordan's House and her brother Bobby answered saying Nata-lia with a smile on his face.Walked to Jordan's room,she was sleeping.I screamed at her because she watched the movie UP without me because we planned to watch it together.She restarted the movie.So we watched the movie UP&Finding Nemo.Ate dinner.Watched family home videos it was cute.Before I left I ate cookies and went back home.
Saturday I woke up early for track practice.Fell jumping over the hurdles.Landed on my knees and arm.Fucked it up bad but like I care:p Came back home,ate,plopped on my bed and slept until 3.Threw my track uniform in the wash.Got ready and hung out with my mom.Try to sleep,kept turning on my bed because my arm was messed up and uncomfortable.Went to bed.
Sunday woke up at 5 in the morning to get ready slowly,extremely sore.Left at 6:30 for the bus.Went to the track meet.It pissed me off.Whole family came to support me.Went to Morgan's House after.Before I left her house I hung out with her brother Austin and His friend Gavin.Austin is going to be a heart breaker when he gets older lmfaoo.Anyways it was a waist of time.I basically slept he whole time and went back home to sleep some more.
"It's the things you do that people remember you by..."
nataliaa_ericaa
Christmas Eve I basically hung out with family all day.I got to talk to my Brother's Wife's family in Columbia.I miss them very much.We opened presents at 12 and ate at 11.I was extremely exhausted.The whole time Jordan was texting me telling me what was going on at her aunt's house which was pretty funny.I was telling her what was going on at my brother's house as well and we were full of laughter.As soon as it was 12 I was the 1st one to text Jordan Merry Christmas and she responded back as well.She asked what I was going to be doing on Christmas and I said nothing that I know of probably staying home. so she invited me over.
Christmas I woke up with my dad kissing me on the forehead that I realized I passed out in the living room couch.It was 10 I think.My dad told me to get ready for he was taking me and my mom out for breakfast.I was so delighted I got up and got ready in a blink of an eye.We went to IHOP and i ate too many pancakes.I didn't arrive home until 12.I texted Jordan saying Are you sure it's ok for me to come over?I don't want to interfere with your family plans. She said I already asked.You can come over and my mom will be gladly to bring you home(: I went back home and changed and told my parents I was leaving.I went to Jordan's House and her brother Bobby answered saying Nata-lia with a smile on his face.Walked to Jordan's room,she was sleeping.I screamed at her because she watched the movie UP without me because we planned to watch it together.She restarted the movie.So we watched the movie UP&Finding Nemo.Ate dinner.Watched family home videos it was cute.Before I left I ate cookies and went back home.
Saturday I woke up early for track practice.Fell jumping over the hurdles.Landed on my knees and arm.Fucked it up bad but like I care:p Came back home,ate,plopped on my bed and slept until 3.Threw my track uniform in the wash.Got ready and hung out with my mom.Try to sleep,kept turning on my bed because my arm was messed up and uncomfortable.Went to bed.
Sunday woke up at 5 in the morning to get ready slowly,extremely sore.Left at 6:30 for the bus.Went to the track meet.It pissed me off.Whole family came to support me.Went to Morgan's House after.Before I left her house I hung out with her brother Austin and His friend Gavin.Austin is going to be a heart breaker when he gets older lmfaoo.Anyways it was a waist of time.I basically slept he whole time and went back home to sleep some more.
"It's the things you do that people remember you by..."
nataliaa_ericaa
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Let's Start This Off
So it's been awhile since the last time I blogged.Alot has happened.First is first.Yes,indeed my grandfather is back in the hospital.I really don't like talking about it but where else can I just put all my emotions.I'm always tense and get really moody all the time.I wear my religious bracelet and every time I look at it I just think of him and hope he gets better but I just don't have that much hope as I did before but I try to stay positive.But how can I when almost every person gives me shit or gets mad at me and flips out because my ex-boyfriend came into my life.It doesn't mean I'm with him it just simply means were friends and it's not like I'm hooking up with him.Ignoring me just leads me to more anger.Whatever do what you want.
My sister came over and I haven't seen her in a week.We blasted music and chilled.When my parents came home from work I gave them the big news.I looked at my dad and said "Daddy,I'm running in the varsity meet Sunday." The look my father had in his face just made me smile big.My sister attacked me with hugs and kisses saying congrats over and over.My dad gave me hug kissed me on the top of my head and said "I'm proud of you sweetie."As for my mom she started calling all the family members and get the whole family out to support me.
School wise.I miss just talking and smiling to my best friends.But I just feel like there's so much tension for no reason.Hopefully it will get by.
Christmas?I have no idea what I'm doing.I'm completely clueless.But it's always the same every year.What will I even do this year with my grandpa in the hospital.He has no one to spend it with:/ plus me and my sister are going to go to my grandma's grave and put flowers there.
Relationship wise?Who knows what's going to happen anymore.I recently just got put down to the curb and I don't want to get up to quickly or I'll get dizzy.When I feel down I just put music on and lay down and relax.I've been happy lately but also confused.I simply don't know what to do anymore.Just hang out with my friends and go party with the guys and just live my life like it should be.
"Waiting Patiently for a smile to appear..."
nataliaa_ericaa
My sister came over and I haven't seen her in a week.We blasted music and chilled.When my parents came home from work I gave them the big news.I looked at my dad and said "Daddy,I'm running in the varsity meet Sunday." The look my father had in his face just made me smile big.My sister attacked me with hugs and kisses saying congrats over and over.My dad gave me hug kissed me on the top of my head and said "I'm proud of you sweetie."As for my mom she started calling all the family members and get the whole family out to support me.
School wise.I miss just talking and smiling to my best friends.But I just feel like there's so much tension for no reason.Hopefully it will get by.
Christmas?I have no idea what I'm doing.I'm completely clueless.But it's always the same every year.What will I even do this year with my grandpa in the hospital.He has no one to spend it with:/ plus me and my sister are going to go to my grandma's grave and put flowers there.
Relationship wise?Who knows what's going to happen anymore.I recently just got put down to the curb and I don't want to get up to quickly or I'll get dizzy.When I feel down I just put music on and lay down and relax.I've been happy lately but also confused.I simply don't know what to do anymore.Just hang out with my friends and go party with the guys and just live my life like it should be.
"Waiting Patiently for a smile to appear..."
nataliaa_ericaa
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Month Worth The Wait
all this time i thought you didn't want to talk and then realized you got your phone taken away.i miss the way you talked to me and waiting for a month made me realize it was worth the wait. We talked endless hour of how much we wanted to see eachother.
"nothinnggg.boredd.i miss you!"
"i miss you alott tooo:/"
"I haven't talked to you in like a month:0"
" i know i was upset because i thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore:/"
"noooo.i always wanna talk to you.i gott my phone takenn away:/"
"same.I'm just laying down on the couch watching t.v. with my foot in the air(:"
"haha(= that's cutee.im laying downn tooo& watching t.v"
"haha we were meant to be(:"
"hmmmmm only if we wereeee togetherrr(="
"ughhh that be amazing babygirl(:"
"lol i knoww"
lol we kept going back and forth arguing saying yeah i know,no you don't.
"how do you know"
"uhm...because i can(:"
"lol yourr soo cute"
"no you are.wait no your not.your beautiful(:"
then we kept going back and forth arguing who was prettier(:
"ehhh.i'm in need of a massage"
"awhhh wannnt me to do itt for youu?"
"i think you should(:"
"haha i will<3">
"you can call me anytime(: and hopefully one of these days my dad can drive to southriver just so i can see you and be with you all day"
"greuybf i wish you could sleepover:/ i would hold you so close to me and i'll be smilinggg non-stoppp."
"don't worry babygirl.i'll be there one of these days with you(:"
"good.i really hope soooo.i'd be really happy just to spend the day with you"
"Why do you always bring up the pasttt?"
nataliaa_ericaa
"nothinnggg.boredd.i miss you!"
"i miss you alott tooo:/"
"I haven't talked to you in like a month:0"
" i know i was upset because i thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore:/"
"noooo.i always wanna talk to you.i gott my phone takenn away:/"
"same.I'm just laying down on the couch watching t.v. with my foot in the air(:"
"haha(= that's cutee.im laying downn tooo& watching t.v"
"haha we were meant to be(:"
"hmmmmm only if we wereeee togetherrr(="
"ughhh that be amazing babygirl(:"
"lol i knoww"
lol we kept going back and forth arguing saying yeah i know,no you don't.
"how do you know"
"uhm...because i can(:"
"lol yourr soo cute"
"no you are.wait no your not.your beautiful(:"
then we kept going back and forth arguing who was prettier(:
"ehhh.i'm in need of a massage"
"awhhh wannnt me to do itt for youu?"
"i think you should(:"
"haha i will<3">
"you can call me anytime(: and hopefully one of these days my dad can drive to southriver just so i can see you and be with you all day"
"greuybf i wish you could sleepover:/ i would hold you so close to me and i'll be smilinggg non-stoppp."
"don't worry babygirl.i'll be there one of these days with you(:"
"good.i really hope soooo.i'd be really happy just to spend the day with you"
"Why do you always bring up the pasttt?"
nataliaa_ericaa
Memories Always Come Back
"bare with me, i look like crap"
"nahh.it's not even possible.you're always pretty(:"
"lmfaoo i wish"
"you don't have to wish.it already happened it(:<3"
" i love you.i just do.it's unexplainable.everything you say to me makes me like extremely happy.your too perfect for words.your amazingly gorgeous<3"
"cause i liked you and i messed up my chance to get with you"
"haha your so adorable natalia(: I got sooo pissed at my mom when i found out she threw away the notes you gave me.I don't think I've ever been so mad in my life before.They m,eant so much to me.I forgave her and everything but i used to read them every once in awhile right before i went to bed so i could have good things and everything in my mind before i went to bed"
"well, i still have the note you gave me because it means so much to me"
"yay(: it took me forever because i had so much to say and I rewrote it # times so i could write as neatly as I could..I loved all the letters you gave me, everytime I read them last year, it would always put a smile on my face no matter what. By the way I forgot to tell you how cute you looked today."
"why thank you, but i don't think i did"
"Well I def think you are, and if i asked any other guy they would say your cute too(:"
"ehh i don't think so"
"I don't know why you think that because you are.Your really beautiful natalia.I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if i was with you.I still miss everything we had."
"like what?"
"i miss kissing you, i miss holding your hand, i misss hugging you the way i did, i miss grabbing you around the waist and giving you kisses on your cheek from behind and everything else i did"
"Memories always come back to capture the moment we shared.."
nataliaa_ericaa
"nahh.it's not even possible.you're always pretty(:"
"lmfaoo i wish"
"you don't have to wish.it already happened it(:<3"
" i love you.i just do.it's unexplainable.everything you say to me makes me like extremely happy.your too perfect for words.your amazingly gorgeous<3"
"cause i liked you and i messed up my chance to get with you"
"haha your so adorable natalia(: I got sooo pissed at my mom when i found out she threw away the notes you gave me.I don't think I've ever been so mad in my life before.They m,eant so much to me.I forgave her and everything but i used to read them every once in awhile right before i went to bed so i could have good things and everything in my mind before i went to bed"
"well, i still have the note you gave me because it means so much to me"
"yay(: it took me forever because i had so much to say and I rewrote it # times so i could write as neatly as I could..I loved all the letters you gave me, everytime I read them last year, it would always put a smile on my face no matter what. By the way I forgot to tell you how cute you looked today."
"why thank you, but i don't think i did"
"Well I def think you are, and if i asked any other guy they would say your cute too(:"
"ehh i don't think so"
"I don't know why you think that because you are.Your really beautiful natalia.I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if i was with you.I still miss everything we had."
"like what?"
"i miss kissing you, i miss holding your hand, i misss hugging you the way i did, i miss grabbing you around the waist and giving you kisses on your cheek from behind and everything else i did"
"Memories always come back to capture the moment we shared.."
nataliaa_ericaa
Monday, December 7, 2009
Friday,November 4
"Massage my back"
I never realized how tense my body was until sylvia was massaging it.Everyone looked at me and asked me what was wrong.I stared at everyone and said nothing.But to be honest, I'm missing something.Something that was a part of me but seemed to drift away.I just put my head on my lap while Sylvia was massaging my back singing in polish.She seems to take my troubles away.She could sense something was wrong by my body language.Of course,when everyone leaves we had a deep conversation.I mean most of the time i kept my mouth shut about everything but for once I just spilt my guts out.I wanted to cry but I was holding it back because I didn't want to cry right then and there.I waited until Chrissy dropped me off home.
Monday,November 7
"Omg, I was reading some of the comments from when we were going out.I don't think I couldn't stop smiling last night.I saw the one that you left me on our 2nd month,the one that was a page long and I think I was about to cry no joke.Then I read the one that you were like I'll love you forever and ever and I'll never hurt you no matter what and that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me.I seriously couldn't stop smiling last night(: you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I can honestly say you were the best girlfriend I ever had.I look at our dog tag and listen to our song every night when I'm not busy.If i had another chance, I wouldn't make the same mistakes that I made in the past"
"What broke us up?'
"I don't know.I felt like it was my fault.I'm sorry for all the fights I started with you in the past"
We broke up but never really understood why.He blames the whole thing on him but I said it's OK.We both don't know the reason,we simply just moved on.Now he's back...
"Things happen for a reason.You can't change the past..."
I never realized how tense my body was until sylvia was massaging it.Everyone looked at me and asked me what was wrong.I stared at everyone and said nothing.But to be honest, I'm missing something.Something that was a part of me but seemed to drift away.I just put my head on my lap while Sylvia was massaging my back singing in polish.She seems to take my troubles away.She could sense something was wrong by my body language.Of course,when everyone leaves we had a deep conversation.I mean most of the time i kept my mouth shut about everything but for once I just spilt my guts out.I wanted to cry but I was holding it back because I didn't want to cry right then and there.I waited until Chrissy dropped me off home.
Monday,November 7
"Omg, I was reading some of the comments from when we were going out.I don't think I couldn't stop smiling last night.I saw the one that you left me on our 2nd month,the one that was a page long and I think I was about to cry no joke.Then I read the one that you were like I'll love you forever and ever and I'll never hurt you no matter what and that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me.I seriously couldn't stop smiling last night(: you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I can honestly say you were the best girlfriend I ever had.I look at our dog tag and listen to our song every night when I'm not busy.If i had another chance, I wouldn't make the same mistakes that I made in the past"
"What broke us up?'
"I don't know.I felt like it was my fault.I'm sorry for all the fights I started with you in the past"
We broke up but never really understood why.He blames the whole thing on him but I said it's OK.We both don't know the reason,we simply just moved on.Now he's back...
"Things happen for a reason.You can't change the past..."
nataliaa_ericaa
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