Diary Entry

Alright.I type here like everyday probably more than once.As you may know or not but my grandma died when I was in 6th grade.I guess I'm not over that fact.I look at her picture everyday when I wake up in the morning since her picture is on my wall.I remember when it all happened and the memory never goes away.It's a bad memory that sits on my shoulder.The hospital,the call,the visit,the tears,the family,the funeral,the burial.Ugh the burial,the part where I had to say goodbye forever throwing my white rose in the pile of red roses.Tears streaming down,me on my knees,my brother and sister both having one of my shoulder in each hand crying,whispering.Together we couldn't bear the pain.We kept to ourselves and didn't talk to anyone.My family would just hold me.They knew.They knew how I felt.I cried myself to sleep every night.She was gone,gone,gone.Gone out of my life,Gone from the pain,Away from me FOREVER.But she was never gone from my heart.She was never gone from the memories I had with her.Now I was young when I lost her.I was like 12 years old.That's young.Your probably thinking you were 12,it's not like you had any memories with her.No.My family is different.We are so close we visit our grandparents every week.She was amazing.She was beautiful.Her skin was perfect.She'd take care of me more than anyone ever did.I lived with her until i had to start school.I was always with her.She was there when I went to the hospital.She was the one that held my hand and told me I would make it even when my own mom thought I wouldn't survive that night.I was the one holding her hand that night,telling her she would make it that day.Even though she couldn't talk because she had a tube in her throat,all she could manage to do was shake her head yes.She believed in herself.When I left I cried hoping she'd survive that night.But she didn't.The memory never goes away.As much as I push it away,it never does.NEVER!It just stays there.The pain never drifts away.What am I to do?I just keep letting it replay in my head...I cry from the horrid image:/ 4 years ago she died.The memory,the pain.It never goes away.All I do is look at my sister and say "I miss her" and walk away from the painful memories.I remember every single detail and it kills me.It will never walk out of my life.NEVER...

nataliaa_ericaa

Where to end?

Where do I begin?My best friend,my partner in crime,my sister,my lover,my girl,whatever you are to me.Well this girl is amazing.Alright.Well the 1st time I met you was in the pizzeria,you my dear, were having problems.I didn't even know you at the time.I just ate my pizza while you were talking to Madison.After you left,I looked at Madison and said awh she's a cutie, i feel bad for her.From that day on,I thought we wouldn't be as close as we are now.I thought wrong.I noticed every time we hung out it'd just be fun.We'd laugh at dumb things,well at least I do.We'd smack each other on the head.We eat food like there's no tomorrow.Every time we were together,we'd just talk about everything and anything.To be honest,you never let me down.You were always there for me.Heck you gave me your shoulder one time to cry on it.I'd have to say my favorite moment,was in the summer.Me and you were walking at night and you just kept saying you'd never leave this friendship and you'll always protect me no matter what.Now the funny memory,was at your house before school started you had a pool party.Your mom was feeding me food and I loved it so much that i rubbed my tummy when she said you want more but I couldn't because my dad was picking me up.We tried to convince him to let me sleep over but that didn't work.Alright now my other favorite memory,Homecoming.I don't need to go into details with that.You were always there and never left my side.Well same here goes for you.You know you can always come to me for anything.Our friendship is here to stay.I don't want anyone getting in between us.I try to make you happy when your upset by being my stupid self.What I'm trying to say, is that I never knew 2 people could have such a close bond in a short amount of time.Your a keeper.Where to end?It will never because we are going to have alot of memories together and it will never fade away.

nataliaa_ericaa

Emotions

You know how I said before it's not bad letting out your emotions...well I never did and probably never will.I keep everything to myself and everything inside.I'm the type of person who will do anything to put a smile on my face then on my own.People constantly tell me this isn't good...I know.I choose not to.It's hard for me to open up to people.I don't know what their reaction might be,or what I'll say,or what may occur.If something bothers me I just take it out when I run,box,play sports,anything aggressive.If I'm upset to the point I need to cry,I'll lock myself in my room and won't associate with anyone.I'll cry alone and it doesn't bother me.Eventually,I'll go into a deep sleep and sometimes regain my energy if not lost.But I always have a smile on my face even when I'm in pain.I don't like it when people pity me or I'll just cry harder inside.It's not good keeping your emotions inside because everything just bottles up and you'll explode...but I never did.I can control myself.I'm every ones diary but no one is my diary.I'm every ones counselor but no one is mine.I'm perfectly fine with that.I'll do anything to make you smile.As for me,I try to get things off my mind different ways.I hate seeing people upset...but it's life.There are going to be good and bad days.You just simply have to push the bad days away and move on...it's life.

nataliaa_ericaa

Suicide

Suicide-is the intentional killing of one's self. Suicide may occur for a number of reasons, including depression, shame, guilt, desperation, physical pain, emotional pressure, anxiety, financial difficulties, or other undesirable situations.

Alright see that.Everyday someone thinks or commits suicide.Half of the times people come to me and talk to me about it.Why?Simple reasons.I prevent them from doing it.I have a friend who just talks about killing herself and do you understand how hard it is for me to lay my head on my pillow at night knowing this girl is thinking about killing herself.I never know if I'm going to see her the next day in school.I cry,but I never tell her.The only thing I can tell her is I Love You and it's hard for her to except it because she's been lied to about love.I tell her she's my best friend and if she ends her life now it wouldn't do any good.I stay strong for her and I'm the only one who can stop her.I think about her and try to be there for her as much as I can.She knows the pain I go through everytime she tells me she wants to end her life.She can tell in my eyes even if I say I'm fine.She knows the pain I bear inside.The only thing I can do is just be there for her and make sure she's ok everyday.It's not so bad telling people how you feel.It's not good hiding your emotions...

nataliaa_ericaa

Grandpa

So, you know how you always have a good day and it's to good to be true.Yeah, well I get those and eventaully I get hit with bad news.My grandpa comes and goes.One day he'll be weak and can hardly talk and next day he'll be fine.In fact, the other day, you could tell me&my sister were tearing up in the car just talking about our past with him.Ugh this man is amazing,I don't understand why God would hurt him like this.The pain,he can't live through it.He's a fighter though.The thing I can't bear is knowing that my grandfather doesn't remember me.Nothing triggers in his mind the moment I'm with him.He'll talk about me not knowing it's really me.My father.Man,he's hurt but doesn't want to show it.I just try to be there for him as much as I can.The thing that sucks is my sister or brother visits my grandpa.So,I have no one talk to about the way I see him because it's too hard for me.My grandpa he's strong but how strong?His life is so interesting.He had to quit school note in 2nd grade just to help his family.My grandpa has no education but he's really smart.He was a chef and he took care of my father and his sister.He had more than 8 kids but only had 2 with him which was my father and my aunt.2nd grade.I can't believe it.I just want him to get better because i love him so much and I don't know what I would do without him in this world.

nataliaa_ericaa