I think I've been falling...

I wish it was easy to open up and tell people how you really feel.But once again,I can't.I don't know why.I can't explain it.I'm not scared,or maybe I'm afraid of the outcomes or the reactions of others.

Lately,I've been doing a lot to get things off my mind.I feel like if i don't do anything soon,I'd just be curled up in my room crying.Ugh,Can't think about how close he is to his own death.

Anyways,me doing a lot.When don't I do a lot?Mostly been hanging out with friends and staying after school for Powder Puff.A lot has happen.You get those texts that put a smile on your face and wish you could be with the person right now.We've been hanging out a lot.

"Well you're a very cute girl.Looks and personality wise"

"It would make me unexplainable happy to spend the night with you"

Sometimes,I wish everything in life could be this simple.Cute things,no drama,no tears.Everything good.Now,I laugh 24/7.I smile 24/7.I haven't been like this for awhile.I was dragged down to a dark hole where I felt everything is crashing down on me.

"you smell like life"

"How does that smell like?"

"Everything wonderful(:"

I lay my head on my pillow,tired, but with a smile on my face.There are nights when everything is peaceful and there are nights when I wake up screaming and crying.I see her in my dreams, but she's not in this world anymore.4 years went by and I still see her.I'd look at my phone to come myself down and see if i have text messages from anyone.

"Your still way to cute and amazing for life(: There's nothing to prove.Your just a very beautiful, sweet girl with a bright smile and a cute little voice.You should come over and nap with me and stuffs:p"

I wish I could.I'd feel safe and nothing could go wrong.My nightmares would go away because you protect me and hold me close to you.So close,I can hear your heartbeat.You stroke my back until I fall asleep and I feel safe.

Safe...like nothing can go wrong.

nataliaa_ericaa

Your feelings...What about mine?

Do you realize how many people I help through out the day? Do you know how stressed out I am with family? No, you don't.I'm trying to get my life back on track and make sure no one brings me down.But you always do.You always hurt me.You treat our friendship like shit and for once I stuck up for myself.Your so annoying grow up and realize your mistakes instead of me pointing them out every 5 minutes.

Hurt the people you love the most and see where they will be in your future.Oh wait...they won't be in your future.You say you love her but your just lying through your teeth.Want me to beat the shi*t out of her? No, please don't touch her.Fine I'll listen to you but tell her she's really fuc*ing lucky.The next time I see you don't even look my way.Walk right past me like we never knew each other.

I give you advice,I always help you, and I always stayed with you and never left you.You take it for granted.Well I'm going to take it back because I'm obviously tired of your sh*t.Come back to me when you grow up and realize what you've done.Don't go around telling people your depressed because you obviously don't know how you make us feel.

nataliaa_ericaa

Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes...true line.

What if the person constantly makes mistakes?Do you know how annoying it is to help the person back up?I'm fed up with people's shit.I've always forgave people who hurt me the most.And what do I get out of it?I just get hurt again.Seriously if you say your going to fucking change then do it already instead of saying it.You just keep lying to my face.

Like,I don't understand.How could one person hurt you so bad when all you done was be there for them.All you done was lend your shoulder when they cried or messed up or make a MISTAKE.This always happen to me though.I open up and the next thing I know,I just get hurt in the end.No matter what or who it is.Every person that's ever walked into my life hurt me in one way or another.Well,There's at least two people who haven't.They probably would never because they are both really nice.One is 15 my age and the other is 17.Mad chill.I love them.Well,there's more people who haven't hurt me but I'm talking about my best friends for now.

Anyways,I never had good luck with people.People always twist up my words and cause drama.Alright.Twist my words up but I know the truth and if you don't believe me OK.I hate it when people lie to me.I don't hate it.I despise it ALOT.If you did something to hurt me don't lie to me just tell me the truth and we can work it out.I may get mad but it will only be for a short period of time.I rather know the truth then being lied to.

People make mistakes.So do I.It's part of life.

nataliaa_ericaa

Alot On My Plate

Food?No,Thank You.Family?Sorta.Friends?Yes.Schoolwork?Def.

Food,I get that everyday...and it's yummy in my tummy<----gay line

Family...The 2 main people that concern me is my brother and my grandpa.I haven't seen or heard from my brother in a long time.He travels everyday and hardly has time for family anymore.Alright...but I still miss him and love him.No feelings lost.My grandpa,he's just getting worse with each passing day...feelings?miserable when thought about.

Friends?They keep my spirits up.Without them...I'd be upset 100% all the time.They always put a smile on my face no matter what.I love it.I can always count on them.

Schoolwork?I'm trying so hard to get all of my assignments ahead of time and keeping my grades up.I do extra credit all the time...me extra credit?That never happens...but you got to do what you got to do.

Message...Life ain't so bad right now,well at least not yet...

nataliaa_ericaa

This Pisses Me Off

Cheaters.If your taken,it's for a reason.If things aren't working out in your relationship,you work it out,don't fucking cheat on the person.It just shows how much you care about the relationship.You don't realize how much you hurt the person your with.Your even lucky if the person stays with you.The only reason why the person would stay with you is because they love you.How would you feel?That's fucking low to go cheat on someone.It really is.Your hurt my fucking best friend and she's with you.Your lucky I don't go to your house and beat the shit out of you.Your lucky I don't treat you like shit and never talk to you again.It hurts you when I don't talk to you but you deserve it.She didn't do anything to deserve that.Really?She didn't and you know it.Your lucky she's even with you.If it was me...your ass would have been dumped.Your lucky she loves you...you really are.She treats you so good and you really had the nerve to cheat on her.Alright.I see how it is.You go around telling people she's the best thing that has ever happened in your life and here you are and you hurt her.She cries for you every night and you did this to her.She doesn't even do anything towards you.You really don't deserve her.You don't even deserve to be with anyone.Out of everyone I wouldn't expect this from you...out of everyone.It hurts me as much as it hurts her.I'm shocked.I won't even look at you the same anymore knowing you hurt her...knowing you cheated on her.You've changed so much and I don't want anything to do with it until your you again and not the person that changed.Your not the same person I met in July.Your different and I hate it.You only care about yourself and not the people around you.You hurt her...you hurt her.That's fucked up...That's really low:/

nataliaa_ericaa

On Mischief Night,An Angel Was Near

Alright.Mischief Night.I Didn't do what every other kid does.I don't throw eggs on people's house or TP their cars either.It's just a sign of disrespect or just plain fun.It's not that bad.You get fun out of it.Anyways I went to the mall with my friend Sylvia and Katie.I saw everyone.It was crazy.Anyway I was outside and Sylvia is jamming to my iPod and wearing my varsity jacket.Next thing I know,Cinthia is hauling her ass away from me because she took something that was mine.I'm sprinting my ass and this tiny little girl was sprinting her ass away from me.We were running in the mall parking lot and she jumped over the concrete curb where the cars park.I didn't see it.I busted my ass.Now when I say I busted my ass,I don't mean oh let's laugh because I fell.I mean oh shit are you OK?Cinthia thought I busted my face on the concrete and my teeth were knocked out.My face was so close to the concrete that my upper lip touched it.I got up and I'm bleeding everywhere.My pants ripped and I have cuts all along side of my arm.So let me skip a few parts...Natalie comes over and lifts up my pants to see my knee.I have this huge cut on me and I flipped out.Natalie's mom is going to sew my pants...anyway I kept saying why?why me?God is punishing me.I thought twice what I said.No,He wasn't punishing me.He's giving me a sign.If He was punishing me...He would have busted my face on the concrete and made me get stitches.Well,I came home and I kept replaying it in my head and thanking God He didn't bust my face open...I was in pain from all the cuts.I had to hide them from my parents or they would have flipped.So I just kept thinking to myself...and only one thought popped into my head.Grandma.She was there...protecting me...saving me from the pain and getting stitches...she broke my fall.It was a miracle.If it was anyone else they would have busted there face open and gotten stitches...but I believe I still have bad luck...I'm convinced.

nataliaa_ericaa

Diary Entry

Alright.I type here like everyday probably more than once.As you may know or not but my grandma died when I was in 6th grade.I guess I'm not over that fact.I look at her picture everyday when I wake up in the morning since her picture is on my wall.I remember when it all happened and the memory never goes away.It's a bad memory that sits on my shoulder.The hospital,the call,the visit,the tears,the family,the funeral,the burial.Ugh the burial,the part where I had to say goodbye forever throwing my white rose in the pile of red roses.Tears streaming down,me on my knees,my brother and sister both having one of my shoulder in each hand crying,whispering.Together we couldn't bear the pain.We kept to ourselves and didn't talk to anyone.My family would just hold me.They knew.They knew how I felt.I cried myself to sleep every night.She was gone,gone,gone.Gone out of my life,Gone from the pain,Away from me FOREVER.But she was never gone from my heart.She was never gone from the memories I had with her.Now I was young when I lost her.I was like 12 years old.That's young.Your probably thinking you were 12,it's not like you had any memories with her.No.My family is different.We are so close we visit our grandparents every week.She was amazing.She was beautiful.Her skin was perfect.She'd take care of me more than anyone ever did.I lived with her until i had to start school.I was always with her.She was there when I went to the hospital.She was the one that held my hand and told me I would make it even when my own mom thought I wouldn't survive that night.I was the one holding her hand that night,telling her she would make it that day.Even though she couldn't talk because she had a tube in her throat,all she could manage to do was shake her head yes.She believed in herself.When I left I cried hoping she'd survive that night.But she didn't.The memory never goes away.As much as I push it away,it never does.NEVER!It just stays there.The pain never drifts away.What am I to do?I just keep letting it replay in my head...I cry from the horrid image:/ 4 years ago she died.The memory,the pain.It never goes away.All I do is look at my sister and say "I miss her" and walk away from the painful memories.I remember every single detail and it kills me.It will never walk out of my life.NEVER...

nataliaa_ericaa